My husband's mother is controlling. My husband is her only child and when he joined the Army 2 years ago when he came home from training she wanted my husband spend about 2 or 3 days with her only and we had been married less than 8 months (he didn't). For 7 of those 8 he was in training. Things didn't get any better when our son was born in March. She came to my house (she's in Dallas. TX we are in KS) 2 days after he was born and she came inside and took him out of my arms without asking! She did that for the week she stayed. My husband tells her to back off a lot but with no success. Now that he is deploying, I am going home for Christmas and will be staying with my parents. My relatives haven't met my son and all of my hubby's have. I am goign to Alabama with my mom so my relatives can see Connor and his mom wants me to go to two family Christmases 1 in Houston, TX & 1 in Paris, TX, right after I get back. I said I'd be in Paris, but she's planning my vacation for me! Help
Both my husband, her husband, and I try to get her to back off and she does sometimes. I want to be able to spend my vacation the way I want to. I love his family and I would never deny them time with their grandson, but I don't feel like spending 90% of my vacation making her happy. My mom and dad and my sibilings don't get to see me or my son as often as my husband's parents do. I'm all for close family, but that woman needs to give up the whole control thing.
My husband is no mama's boy and he will take my side over her's. That has never been an issue.
So, you'll be living in Paris. Well, then. Let her plan away….
Spend your Christmas with your family and invite them to come over the holiday if they like. Let Mother in Law know that you don't mind bringing Baby for a visit once a month..(whatever, you decide) and let her know she is always welcome to come to Paris to see the child. That's all.
You may consider offering to bring the baby for Christmas Eve this year as it is his first Christmas and her son is deployed. I suppose it would be the right thing to do.
When you speak with family members speak with respect. Respond to what they have to say. Do not react. Take a breath, think of what you want to say, and say it calmly and respectfully, as if you were speaking with a friend. Respond, don't react. This teaches respect.
Teach family members where your boundaries are. Do ask husband for input …. he wants Mom to know his son, too…. Try to make fair decisions, but you make the decision, don't let them start making you dance. Refer to paragraph above. If conversations get heated, just say, "I can't talk about this right now." and walk away. As long as you are being fair and Grandma gets time with Baby, then that's the end of conversation. The grandbaby is your child, not a replacement for her son.
So, you have to teach them. Teachers are calm, gentle, and firm in their resolve. Be the Teacher.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:11 am
It is up to your husband to set the rules with his mother. If he is a mama's boy, you are in for lots of trouble for the rest of your marriage. He needs to be firm and tell his mother that he means it and then follow through.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:12 am
Tell her to shape up or ship out. Next time she takes the kid like that, take the kid back and tell her point blank
"you are a rude stupid person, get out of my house or I call the cops. " If you husband doesn't back you up, he should also get the boot.
As for the vacations, tell her to plan away, that doesn't make it your obligation to follow her ideas. If she doesn't get the hint, just go to your folks for the whole holiday.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:13 am
Your an adult! You stand up for yourself and say NO. Do not let this woman control you like this, she is really not needed in your daily life so it really wouldnt matter if your relationship with her came to a halt.
Tell her your plans for the holiday and express your feeling about how she never listens to you and treats you like a child, in a respectful way of course.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:14 am
doesn't sound like this is an easy to get along with mother in law. you just need to let her know up front that you want to spend time with your family for christmas. they derserve to get to see their grandchild. sometimes you have to get rude to get respect. you got to lay it out to her. my sister went through the same thing (luckily mine aren't tough to get along with)
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:15 am
Just do what you want to do. If she wants to plan let her, doesn't mean you have to show up does it. She can't control you if you don't let her. Just be firm to the point, and don't waver. Tell her you'll be in Paris, but won't be able to to the Houston. End of discussion.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:15 am
Be honest with her. You are reading her mind and expecting her to read yours. Life doesn't work that way. You will get a lot farther if you are willing to share your husband with her. Remember that she loved him first. She feels about him like you feel about Connor. Respect her feelings and then set some limits. You are coming across as being a selfish baby, which I am sure is not what you mean to be. Try to grow up and learn to share. I don't mean this to be harsh but sometimes people need to hear the truth. You can't control her or change her. All you can do is change yourself and how you react to her. Changing your reaction will automatically change her. (Don't tell anyone. That's a secret to getting people to change — that is by changing your reactions).
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Mom with 7 grandchildren.
October 12th, 2006 at 10:16 am
Stand up on your own two feet like a big girl and tell her what's going to happen. Don't take any crap out of her. You are an adult with a baby to think of. If it's important to you, SPEAK UP.
Keep speaking up until she hears you, if she doesn't hear you, ignore her and do your own thing!
You are going to be living with this for the rest of your life. She is always going to be your sons grandma, even if you part ways with your hubby, you can't change that. You have to establish yourself with her. Don't back down!!!
And honey, she would have pulled the baby from my arms over my dead body. She could have gotten away with it once, then never again! You let her do it! Why didn't you say something?
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I have family just like this. They will steal your soul if you let them
October 12th, 2006 at 10:16 am
Its your hub who should put his mother in her place. IT is YOU who shouldn't allow this woman to dictate your life or your vacation. YOu care that you will hurt her feelings because if you didnt care (like I wouldnt) you would take a hold of you rlife and TELL that woman what you are and are NOT going to do. She can only be in control of YOU/YAH allow her too. BUck up, put your feet down and handle YOUR business.
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Mean Carleen wouldn't have that sh*t!
October 12th, 2006 at 10:16 am
Set your foot down. Your an adult. You don't have to be rude just use the NO word use is often.
Hey spend several months with your mother.
God bless good luck.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:17 am
Reminds me of "Everybody loves Raymond".
This is not something you will be able to change. You can confront her the next time she takes your child out of your arms and let her know you will let her hold him when she is ready but no snatching! That would drive me crazy!
However, even with your husband telling her to back off it seems she is not getting the picture. You let her know your plans. Not her letting you know your plans! that is outrageous. I understand she wants to be with her grandchild and that is great but there is a line between her job as a grandmother and it's not best to cross that line.
This is something you are going to have to live with. The more you go against her the more she will control. She will feel like you are trying to call all the shots and she will get upset. This isn't a good relationship either between a mother and daughter in law. You are going to have to let her know how you feel when things happen without an argument starting. People are set in their ways and will not change. But if you bring it to her attention (you not your husband) then maybe she will be a little less controlling.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:19 am
Tell her that you don't want to travel all over creation with your baby. One trip is enough. Is is dangerous to drive that far durring the holiday's with an infant. Be very matter of fact with her as to what you want to do, If she gets mad at you, who cares???She sounds annoying anyway. She only wants what she wants and does not care about you or the baby being comfortable. I can't stand women like this. Don't let her control you because you want her to like you. It will just cause you to resent her more and more.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:22 am
If she contradicts your plans, ask her "What would it take to earn your respect?"
Tell her you appreciate her input but you'll have to work it in.
Tell her she is welcome to stay at a nearby hotel in Alabama, and that's where she can find you. Tell her you want to shrare your son and your joy with the rest of the family. Tell her that you understand if she wants to hog this precious child all to herself, (and who wouldn't?) but you will make time for her AFTER you share him with your family.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:28 am
So, you'll be living in Paris. Well, then. Let her plan away….
Spend your Christmas with your family and invite them to come over the holiday if they like. Let Mother in Law know that you don't mind bringing Baby for a visit once a month..(whatever, you decide) and let her know she is always welcome to come to Paris to see the child. That's all.
You may consider offering to bring the baby for Christmas Eve this year as it is his first Christmas and her son is deployed. I suppose it would be the right thing to do.
When you speak with family members speak with respect. Respond to what they have to say. Do not react. Take a breath, think of what you want to say, and say it calmly and respectfully, as if you were speaking with a friend. Respond, don't react. This teaches respect.
Teach family members where your boundaries are. Do ask husband for input …. he wants Mom to know his son, too…. Try to make fair decisions, but you make the decision, don't let them start making you dance. Refer to paragraph above. If conversations get heated, just say, "I can't talk about this right now." and walk away. As long as you are being fair and Grandma gets time with Baby, then that's the end of conversation. The grandbaby is your child, not a replacement for her son.
So, you have to teach them. Teachers are calm, gentle, and firm in their resolve. Be the Teacher.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:30 am
Just let her know that you already have plans for Christmas. But maybe just compromise a little on other holidays. Maybe you can get together and both can plan what holidays you will spend together. Let her know that you are willing to compromise sometimes but not all the time. Your mother-in-law isn't going anywhere so try to keep the peace as much as possible. I have gone through the same thing and this worked out for me. Just remember it won't happen over night. Be patient and communicate with her on the things you don't like.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:37 am
I'm so sorry for you sister. I love my mother in law!!!
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:39 am
Let her know that you can't make it to both. You have things you need to do. You don't have to tell her what it is you are going to do just that you need sometime for yourself and your baby. She might be upset but you really need to take care of yourself rather then being worried about her feelings.
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October 12th, 2006 at 10:45 am
LET HER PLAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW IT.
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October 12th, 2006 at 5:39 pm
The root cause of this problem is mother's excessive indulgence.
She loved her son and she still treats him as a kid.In the overweening circumstances she forgot that her son is married and that his wife too would require his love and care.There are domineering mothers-in law. You will have to tackle the situation carefully and tactfully. If you are harsh towards her, you might incur the wrath and displeasure of your husband.When your mother-in law weeps your husband will be mad at you.It is a bit of Oedipus complex situation and so be careful.Go back to your mother's house for the time being and when he comes to meet you, you tell him how hurt you feel when your love is interfered with.Also confront your mother-in-law in some happy situation and tell her that you are not cutting her off from her son and that she too should be understanding in not poking her nose too often.It is common to see woman become too indulgent towards their son particularly when her husband becomes less powerful or is of a meek type.A mother's pride towards her son is blinding and this makes her feel that she is on top of the world. Since you are also a woman you have to deal with this rivalry nicely.
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